The Tinder Confessions

Tinder Confessions

“Come to my hotel.”

The message flashed across my screen like a bullet to the temple; impossible to ignore.

This would be my second tinder rendezvous in as many days.

I had only downloaded the app a week ago but was getting into the swing of it.

I had been on a handful of dates with girls across Western Europe. I was totally uninterested in coffee; instead I had met girls at bouldering centres, for hikes, a cheeky smoke, or tapas.

I was honest with everybody I met; I do not want a relationship.

I am looking for everything in between; gym buddies and trekking pals, adventure padawans and dinner dates. If the right girl comes along, a fling is an option.

But, that is not my primary reason for using Tinder.

My primary reason for using Tinder is simple, much like Couchsurfing, it enables me to meet up with locals who can help me experience the best that a place has to offer.

Through Tinder, I learned of the abandoned army base in Berlin, I wandered through heaving thrift markets in Slovenia arm in arm with a new friend, I was able to explore the fabled university of Zurich and to explore rural villages in Croatia.

I’m not particularly sure how I feel about one night stands, I never have been.

On the one hand, if you have off-the-hook chemistry from the get-go, they can be a lot of fun.

On the other, in my experience, it normally takes a few meet-ups before the truly excellent, mind-blowing, sex comes out to play. If it doesn’t, it’s never going to so you might as well call it quits whilst you are ahead – but that, my friends, is an article for the future.

Today, I am going to tell you a story of a one night stand I had in Germany.

My reason for doing this?

Because it is amusing and I wish to cheer you as you stare out of the window, dreaming of the day when you can ditch your desk, hit the road and unleash your inner wild…

Will hatton

Your amusement is my priority!

I stumbled into the street, beer and lust clouding my judgement. I had the hotel address of a girl, Megan, I had been chatting to for a day or so.

I had been surprised when she had point blank invited me to her place but heck, what’s a man to do, she said she wanted company.

The hotel was a twenty-minute walk away. I messaged her again.

“Meeting you in the hotel bar I assume?”

She responded.

“My room number is 305, just come straight up.”

Alarm bells.

She could be insane. I have had my fair share of insane girls…

I considered aborting but caught myself short.

“You know buddy, crazy girls are normally pretty crazy in bed… You should go check it out, for research purposes, there might be an article in it.”

And so, I continued into the darkness of a cold and quiet city, in search of an adventure which I thought you guys might enjoy.

Dark Street

I paused, outside her room.

I knocked.

She answered.

She was god-damn gorgeous.

She offered me a beer, I sat.

I was there for perhaps five minutes before we were rolling around on the carpet happily.

After a couple of hours or so, I called a time-out whilst she answered her phone.

“My husband is going to be back shortly; you’ll need to leave,” she said casually.

“Erm, OK, yeah, that’s cool – I gotta ask, what on earth was all this?”

“Well, me and Brian have been together for ten years today, we got married when we were 16 and have decided, as our anniversary gift to each other, we will both fuck one other person – are you cool with that?”

How could I not be?

I believe in tolerance of pretty much every religious, social and sexual belief out there – everybody involved in this arrangement has consented although admittedly I felt I should have been told before anything commenced.

Ah well, such is the world of Tinder, it is impossible to know what one is getting into.

I chatted to Megan for ten minutes or so, kissed her on the cheek and left.

In the hall, I passed her waiting husband.

He smiled at me.

I considered high-fiving him but opted to smile back.

I disappeared into the night, like Batman.


And now, ladies, this is some friendly advice on how to get the most out of Tinder…

Will’s Super Sexy Tips on How to Kick Ass on Tinder (for gals)

Constipated Will

Don’t pout

Pouting is sexy right? – Wrong.

You look like a child impersonating a Barbie doll. Just stop with all the pouting, seriously. Smile, show that you don’t take yourself too seriously.

Variety is the spice of life

Sexy pictures are surely a good move? – Wrong.

Now, listen, I’m not for a second saying you shouldn’t put your best pictures up on Tinder, but if you want to meet a guy who will respect you, try not to put up pictures that consist almost entirely of cleavage. Tinder doesn’t have to be a meat-market and you will actually stand out more by stepping away from this trend. I personally like to be able to ascertain that a girl is fit whilst leaving something to the imagination.

I strongly recommend putting up a variety of pictures that show off different elements of your personality – sports, partying, face paint, travelling, anything that excites you! Do not have five nearly identical selfies in which you are pouting at a mirror whilst wearing a top your father would be ashamed to see you in, you will not be taken seriously and yes, you will attract assholes.

Spelling and conversation skills 

‘Speling don’t m8er bruv’   – Close this window and get the fuck off my site.

Spelling is not difficult.  If you opt to talk entirely in text-speak, well, personally you are not someone I wish to talk to. It demonstrates laziness. If you know how to abbreviate a word to ‘text speak’, you know how to use the word properly.

When it comes to actually chatting on Tinder, think of something original to say and accept that it is not always down to the guy to reach out to you first. If you can’t think of anything to say, try – ‘what made you smile today’ – it’s a good way of starting a casual conversation and working out relatively quickly if there is a potential connection.

Try not to come across as a twat

“No shorties” is acceptable to put on my profile yeah?  – Wrong.

If I was to put ‘no fat chicks’ on my profile, would that be acceptable? Listen ladies, I hate to break it to you, but not all blokes are 6ft tall. Discounting somebody before you have even met them, based purely on a physical characteristic that they cannot alter (at least fat folks can go running), is the very epitome of shallow.

Personally, my preference is very petite blondes and redheads. However, that doesn’t mean I am not going to talk to anybody who does not fulfill that exact requirement; I might miss out on a truly excellent friendship with a truly cool chick.

Fill in your profile

“I’ll just leave this blank”   Please don’t.

Look, if you want to meet a nice guy, you have to give them something to work with. You’ve got to list some of your interests, or at least make an attempt at giving a snapshot into what you are like. For the love of god do not leave it blank; it just highlights laziness and insinuates you have nothing going on. Everyone has something going on – music, sports, fitness, reading, TV shows, countries you want to visit, deeds you wish to accomplish, everybody has dreams; share yours.

Tinder has a bad reputation. There are however good people on there. If you are one of them, make yourself easier to find and follow my tips above.

Peace, love and happy dating.

To find out more about lust, love and sex on the road, check out the Backpacker Bible. 

Will Hatton


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